Tuesday, August 24, 2010

unwritten history of the library book

for the first time in a decade or more, i got a library book for myself to read.  it's the auto biography of a very prominent political figure that i have been wanting to read for years...and i come to find out that it was actually written many years ago...longer than i have gone without checking out a book from the library. 

as i am reading it, i make note of a slight stain, maybe a smudge from twinkie filling covered finger of a previous reader.  (no, i didn't lick it to make a final determination.) but that stain got me thinking about the sanitary truth of the book that i was snuggled up with in my bed. 

think about it.  i mean, ANYONE could have read this book.  from a doctor who saves lives everyday to a meth addict trying to fill some of their awake time.  it has been snuggled with in other beds, on a couch under a warm blanket some winter morning...or...in someones bathroom while they poo'd.  it was the visual of the latter that had me reaching for the hand sanitizer!

in school, middle school/high school...when we checked a book out from the library, our name was written on a slip of paper glued inside of the cover...and above it, often the names of the past students who checked it out before me.  I would sometimes read (or not read) a book based upon the names on that list.  was it someone who was wildly popular?  or someone who maybe hadn't discovered the wonders of deodorant just yet?  as i turned the page of my current library book, i was wishing i not only had the names of those who read this book before me but also a photograph of them, a full medical history from their doctor and a check of their criminal past. 

maybe i should just order it at a discount from amazon in the future, where the book only has my twinkie filling smudges in it...and the book has only been in my bathroom, my bed, my couch on winter mornings.  there is pride in ownership...and i think the library can keep it's dirty books.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

excuses, excuses

Ever since i got my 'gowear fit' calorie management system, i have gotten many inquiries about it.  I wear it on the back of my upper left arm and depending on the length of the shirt sleeve, it's sometimes visible.  People are surprisingly eager to ask me about it.  The first few times i was happy to share what it was but i got tired of the same old story and when strangers ask me i have come up with a list of excuses as to why i am wearing this contraption on my arm.

1. when i push this little green button, i turn invisible.  (and i smile like i belong in a padded cell)
2. part of my 'house arrest' agreement, can't go more than 50 miles from home.
3. if i die, this sends a signal to a detonation device on a freighter sitting in the ocean and it will explode killing everyone on board. (see LOST)
4. it's a GPS device and alerts me when i have gone is the wrong direction.
5. it's part of my shock therapy for anger management...so don't anger me unless you want to see me catch a jolt.
6. the aliens gave it to me after the anal probe so they can find me when it's time for me to join them

GoWear Fit:  it's a calorie management device. THE BIGGEST LOSER tv show passes out something similar called a Bodybugg to it's contestants.  i wear it on my arm and it measures my heart rate and body heat and other things that i don't understand because i am too much of a layman.  it takes that data and turns it into a series of reports that i can read telling me several things.  my activity duration and level.  my caloric output by the minute, how many steps i take.  it monitors my sleep.  it sounds an alarm that i preset to alert me when i need to eat.

it's pretty cool and totally worth the price if like me, you are trying to watch what you eat and get more exercise. 

Thursday, August 19, 2010

My life is like a reality show

sometimes i think all that is missing from this sitcom i live, are the cameras.  my life is insane, busy, exciting and most of the time it drives me to drink.  between the kids, my cop husband, and family...there is plenty of blog fodder to be shared.  Stay tuned!!!!